A West Virginia Road Trip, a Cousin, and an Unexpected Escape from Patriarchy
A recent road trip with my cousin demonstrated the importance of giving men a space in which they talk freely and openly about their feelings and their struggles.
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If you’ve read, or heard me talk about, my queer Appalachian rom-com Country Road Romance, you’ll know that a road trip plays a key role in the plot. After Charlie Garrett–Hollywood star and heartthrob to tons of wine moms–punches a homophobe in a gay bar, his chaperone, struggling writer Jared, reluctantly agrees to take him to his parents’ place up in the northern panhandle of West Virginia. While they’re on the scenic drive up Route 2 they end up bonding, each of them finding their walls coming down as they start to see one another as actual people rather than just enemies. Set free at last on those country roads, they start to fall in love, bonding over everything from Patsy Cline to the beautiful old homes that dot the bottomlands of the Ohio River.
I had this moment in my book at the back of my mind a week and a half ago when my older cousin asked to accompany me to one of the stops on my book tour. I was, of course, flattered that he would want to come with me on this leg of the journey and, if I’m being honest, it was actually rather nice to have my own little entourage (my partner also accompanied me). It made me feel very legit and fancy, particularly since said cousin has been over the moon about the fact that I managed to get a book into print. And so, box of books in hand, I went down to Parkersburg, a little city located near the Ohio River.
I’ll be honest: I wasn’t sure what on Earth we would talk about on that trip. My cousin isn’t bookish, not by a long shot, and I sometimes struggle to find common ground even with the people that I love back home. As we drove down to Parkersburg, however, something surprising happened, something that I didn’t expect but which made the whole trip even more rewarding. My cousin opened up to my partnership and myself, talking about his life and his struggles and everything in between.
I won’t go into too much detail–my cousin does deserve his privacy, after all–but suffice it to say that he’s led a bit of a hard life. Like a lot of men in Appalachia his life has taken a few twists and turns that he would rather have avoided, and his bad choices weigh on him. Unlike many others, however, he’s more than happy to take ownership of the consequences. He doesn’t offload the blame for how his life has turned out onto other people, which is refreshing given the blame other people mentality that is far too often rife in Appalachia.
It’s more than that, though. Talking with him was something akin to a magical experience. While at first I was more than a bit taken aback by how much he was telling me about his life and his feelings, the more he spoke, the more I felt the bonds between us growing stronger. In those moments we weren’t just cousins; we were friends.
I can’t help but wonder if the fact that we were on a road trip was part of what made him feel so comfortable being open with my partner and me. After all, there’s something about being on the road–being betwixt and between one place and another, caught in a strange sort of liminal space–that seems to loosen up our inhibitions to speak honestly to one another. When you have little else to do but talk to one another as the miles go by, you find that it’s much easier to just let the walls down than it is when you’re in a more formal setting. It just seems as if the normal rules don’t apply when you’re out on that open road, just the three of you, watching the scenery of eastern Ohio/western West Virginia go by outside the windows.
Over the course of roughly four hours I learned more about my cousin than I have in the entire 40-odd years that we’ve known each other. Even now, after a couple weeks, I think fondly of the time we spent together, getting to know one another as adults rather than as teens. We’ve taken such very different paths in life, but none of that seemed to matter. Instead, we could just be open and honest with one another. His willingness to confide in me is a gift that I don’t take lightly, and I’m honored that he felt comfortable enough to share his thoughts and his life and his emotions with me.
All too often, we tend to assume that men–particularly blue collar men–have neither the desire nor the will to speak openly and honestly about their feelings, let alone their inner torments and their struggles. While it is true that many of them still cling to an outmoded model of masculine behavior that dictates that in order to be a true man one must bottle up one’s feelings and approach life with a stoic stiff upper lip, there are others who want something more, who yearn for that level of connection. Often, they only feel comfortable doing so with other men, and it seems to me that this should be encouraged rather than discouraged or mocked. Men have feelings too, and it’s to no one’s benefit, least of all their own, if they are not shown how and why it’s important to talk about them in healthy ways.
Just as Jared and Charlie in Country Road Romance find a peculiar sort of freedom while on the open road, so my cousin and I seemed to find new ways of being able to speak to one another. Free from the limits imposed by our everyday lives and the repressive power of patriarchy, we bonded as men, as cousins and even, I think, as brothers. So, if you have the chance, reach out to the men in your life. You might be surprised at how willing they are to speak their truths.
If you’d like to order a copy of Country Road Romance, here are some places to do so (please order from an indie bookstore or directly from me if you can!)
The Buzzed Word (MD)
Romance-Landia (MD)
Capricho’s Books (MD)
Booktenders (WV)
The Inner Geek (WV)
Four Seasons Books (WV)
Love Stories OKC (OK)
Signed copies are also available on my website.